Merry Christmas to My Ex
“People like us are rare.”
She used to say. My girlfriend. Oh, my ex-girlfriend. You see, ex is really the strangest thing ever. The closer you are to having it the more it feels like a loss - you just lost a most important person in your life; only with time and distance, it gradually grows into a thing you “have”. At least this is how it felt to me.
I didn’t know it yet when I was sitting in front of the east-ward window of my newly rented studio watching the morning train roaring by, waking up the slumbering New York city, leaving behind smoke dancing into the cold mist with such tenderness and grandeur, without needing anybody to notice.
I was the only person awake at this hour who had the time to stare into the void. Jobless. Sleepless. I couldn’t stop thinking about Jennie on the other side of the continent, three hours away from me.
She was on the radio the other day. Apparently she went to Finland to give a live performance two weeks after splitting with me. Why didn’t she tell me about this trip? The second I recognized her voice I jumped to make a call to her, then I realized she was not in California, then I realized she was not my girlfriend any more and we agreed not to talk to each other.
She had always been unpredictable.
“I have no idea how you do it. But you surprise me all the time. I mean, in a good way.”
“So that you would never be bored of me.” She said with a spark in her right eye.
Oh how could I ever be bored of you? I was, I am, I will never be bored of you. It was not boredom that killed our relationship. I don’t even know what it was. We quarreled way too much. So much accusations and curses. At the end you got confused and just didn’t want to think of it at all.
I still remembered that CD stand on the ___ Avenue where she stoped to buy a home made CD from that small black guy. I could see from her face that she loved the soul blues that kid was playing from that old style CD player so much. She asked the kid:
“Which one is your favorite?”
“Sorry, what you mean?” That kid clearly didn’t expect this question.
“I mean which CD do you like the most?”
That kid hesitated and looked through a small pile of discs in front of him and tossed out one of them, seemed identical with all the rest to me, the cheapest blank CD wrapped in white paper envelop.
“Here.” She gave him a five dollar bill and left with that CD.
I passed by that place the day before yesterday. That kid was not there any more, and there was no more CD stand. That’s why I hate to revisit old places. Who would’ve known. Now I am living with my new girlfriend in this city full of memory of my ex.
Yes, I am the bad guy, I left my ex-girlfriend for another. But we were already fighting so much, I don’t think Kate had anything to do with it. Although the way she put it when she was giving the live show in Finland made me the bad guy.
“I wrote this song after a man left me in California for his ex in New York. It was so fun.”
As usual, she made things difficult because she always needed to be so sure about everything. Like she used to say:
“You know what, people like us are rare.”
“I have no doubt.”
I meant in a romantic kind of way. But she took it too far.
I guess I was just not the man for her. I never was. But she couldn’t take it. She wanted everything her way with such intensity, so much so that no one could stay close to her for long enough! At least I couldn’t.
The northeast coast is probably better for me. In California the sun was so generous and undeniable that I often felt I got nowhere to hide. Everything needs to be in the light and gets sun tanned. Is it why she went to Finland? I wonder how she could afford the tickets… unless she booked them way ahead of time. Why wouldn’t she tell me? It must be all the fights we were having. And she gets whimsical ever so often, as if just to rebel from herself.
I guess my job was done. She used to say I appeared at the perfect moment to rescue her from the desperation after dating a man old enough to be her dad.
“I am not sure “dating” is the right word though because we only slept together when he was available, which was not much time outside of his six-digit job and his three kids and wife.”
It was not the first time I heard shitty stories from a girl but this one was killing me. That’s how I realized I was in love with her.
“To make it more fun, he never told me he loved me.”
From then I learned when she called it “fun” it was never fun. I never asked her why she slept with a man twice her age who probably never loved her, because I knew things like this happened. And I think I knew why. Maybe because it was “fun”.
She used to say I always gets her. Maybe that’s why she said “people like us are rare”. But I am afraid getting you is different from being the same as you. You see, I am very much an average guy who looks for stability and sustainability. Kate is better for me especially after all the rows we went through. I was drinking in the North-east solidity like a thirsty camel.
I wished she was happy in Finland. Christmas must be cold up there. Much colder than New York.
Take care of yourself. Wherever you are.
(End)
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