“I think it’s all your own fault.”
“You mean I’m the one making all this happen?”
“Yes.”
“In some sense it’s true. I saw him and I felt something very special in me without him actually doing anything special to me. I started everything. But at the same time I do feel like a victim. The way it all started was like I was hit by something while I was not paying attention.”
“It’s not just that. You might have been hit by something in the beginning. That’s how it started. But you’re the one to make it bigger and bigger. Now it has grown into this huge mess that you don’t have any control over.”
“What do you mean? You mean I should stop my mind so I don’t think of him at all, I should stay up at night so I don’t dream of him, and I should change job so I don’t have to see him everyday?”
“No, I don’t mean that. I mean, look at you, what are you doing now? You don’t act like the same old you any more. Before meeting him you’d dance a lot, and talk about silly thing and make every one laugh. To be honest I miss the old you.”
“I don’t have the mood.”
“Of course you don’t. You’re in the mood for love.”
“That sounds stupid.” After a short pause, “I think what you said made sense. Some how I’m the one making it happen. You see - don’t laugh at me - normally I use the printer only once a day to print all the materials I need for the day, but now I go there at lease five times a day because I have met him there a couple of times... And - this is another stupid one - normally I drink Coke but now I switch to Pepsi just because I saw him drinking Pepsi once. I’m making all these small changes myself. Oh my god, am I losing my self? Am I becoming him? That’s scary.”
“You’re NOT gonna become another person just because you drink Pepsi and use the printer a few more times a day.”
“But it’s scary. I’m changing my life style because of him, and we are not even anything more than colleagues. It’s not even him. It’s only the image I conjure up from the little I know about him.”
“Now you sound unusually cold-minded for a person in love.”
“No, I mean, yes! I feel like I just woke up from something.”
“How does it feel?”
“It feels...” Thinking very hard, “...boring. Yeah, boring.”
“You wanna go back to your dream world then?”
“It was not a dream.”
“Go back to wherever you were.”
“It feels good to do all those little things and feel I was closer to him, as if I know him well, even if it was not true. It’s better than living alone, utterly alone in this world, with all the rights and freedom and stuff. It’s so boring.”
“I see now why you chose to make it happen.”
“Make what happen?”
“Make love happen.”
“I told you it was something outside of me, something bigger than life that started all this.”
“But you could’ve just ignored it.”
“I couldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“I just couldn’t.”
“What if you force yourself not to act on it?”
“I didn’t act on it.”
“I mean all the actions inside yourself. All these thinking, wondering, and feeling following the thinking.”
“In fact most of the time it’s the feelings that come first. And how can you tell them apart any way.”
“Right. What if you force yourself to stop all these?”
“That’d be unnatural.”
“What if you do it anyway - natural or unnatural?”
“It’ll be boring.”
“You see.”
“See what?”
“You made it happen because you were too bored.”
“Okay I made it happen. It’s all my fault. I’m just the biggest fool in the world. Is it what you want me to say?”
“No. All I want to say is that if you could make it happen you should be able to stop it any time you want.”
“It’s easy for you to say.”
“Well it’s not that easy.”
“But you sound like you know it all.”
“I found out from what you told me.”
“I was only telling you I’m in a big mess.”
“Listen, if you want to stop a car from running down the slope, what do you do?”
“I step on the brake.”
“That’s what you need to do.”
“That sounds too easy.”
“It’s not easy because before reaching the brake you need to find a way to get on that empty car first.”
“That’s crazy. Where’s the car?”
(Chuckles) “It’s here.” (Pointing to the head.) “You call it crazy now. You just told me you wouldn’t want to stop it because it’s ‘natural’, and without it life is too ‘boring’.”
“What do you suggest?”
“I don’t suggest anything. I’m just reminding you that you can choose if you want.”
(End)
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